


Overdose

by mean_whale



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Angst, First Time, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Omega Remus Lupin, Omega Sirius Black, Omega Verse, Omega/Omega, Overdosing, Post-Hogwarts, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-21 18:15:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30025881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: All his life, Sirius has pretended to be an alpha. When he runs away from home, he realises that he no longer has access to Suppressing Potion. To avoid detection, he decides to make his own. It can’t bethathard.Can it?
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Other(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	1. 1976

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is for chapter 3. T rating before that.

**Summer 1976**

Sirius had settled down in bed, lights out and eyes closed, when he came to a sudden realisation. He blinked his eyes open and stared at the ceiling, wondering how he had overlooked something so important.

His parents were no longer going to provide him with the Suppressing Potion.

Wide awake, he lay in his bed in one of the Potters' guestrooms. Although, he supposed, it was now his room. The house was silent, but in a different way than Grimmauld Place had been; the silence seemed peaceful and homely rather than unnatural and hostile. The Potters had been kind enough to take him in and give him a home when he had needed it. Would it change things if they knew that he wasn’t an alpha they had always thought him to be? Would it change things if they knew that Sirius was… an omega?

A part of him knew that it wouldn't because that wasn't who the Potters were. But a bigger part of him knew that he had been raised as an alpha because being an omega meant being weak, and even though he knew it wasn’t true – take Remus or Evans, for example – it still felt true when it was about him. It felt true because his parents had looked at him when he was born and decided that he wasn’t good enough.

He wasn’t good enough if he was an omega, and even though he knew that his parents had been wrong about everything else they had told him, he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe that they had also been wrong about his omega nature.

It was better to keep hiding because no one had ever known him as an omega; he had always been introduced as an alpha, he had always only known how to present himself as an alpha, and he couldn’t abruptly change that. No, he needed to keep up appearances and find a way to acquire more Suppressing Potion.

He would turn 17 in November, after which he could buy some, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But November was still far away, and he would need more in October at the latest. But how?

He could tell the Potters the truth and ask them to understand. He could ask them to help him, but he didn’t want to; the moment he told someone, it would become their secret as well, and the more people knew, the more likely it became that his secret was accidentally revealed. Not to mention, there was a chance that James would find out. There was also a chance that the Potters wouldn't want to keep it quiet because, at Hogwarts, he was an omega staying in an alpha dormitory.

They might not be comfortable with him being friends with James.

James might not be comfortable being friends with him.

He couldn’t tell anyone, and because he didn’t have any money, buying the potion was out of the question, even if he managed to come up with a plan to get around being too young to buy any in the first place.

The age restriction was ridiculous. Omegas were provided with the potion by schools, so why couldn't they potentially buy some themselves? It was, he supposed, another way for society to control omegas.

But that was neither here nor there. He could see no way of legally acquiring the potion, so he would have to consider options that were less legal.

He could break into Madam Pomfrey's office, where she kept the school's supply of Suppressing Potion, but it might get noticed. It would raise uncomfortable questions about why someone would want to break into the supply. He could try stealing it from an Apothecary in either Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade, but that would be far more difficult and get him into far more trouble if he was caught.

The only real option was for him to make his own. How difficult could it possibly be? The potion was widely distributed to omegas, so making it couldn’t be too expensive or take too much time. Surely, he had the necessary skills to brew it. He only needed a recipe. He could easily slip away to an Apothecary and buy the ingredients without raising too many questions. Or, if the worst came to the worst, he could nick them from Slughorn.

Having decided on that course of action, Sirius relaxed, and it didn’t take long for sleep to claim him.

*

**Autumn 1976**

Sirius was stuck.

His plan had been good: slip away from the rest of the Marauders, take the secret tunnel to Hogsmeade, and visit the Apothecary for ingredients. He had, however, uncovered a massive flaw in the very first step of his plan – it was nearly impossible to slip away unnoticed. At this point, he had been carrying his money pouch in his pocket for several days because every time he tried to go somewhere alone, one of his friends came with him.

Currently, he was sitting in the library with Remus. He had told James that he needed to borrow a book, knowing that James wouldn’t follow him to the library of all places. Unfortunately, Remus had happened to overhear and suggested that they go together.

At least Peter hadn’t tagged along.

Sirius sighed and glanced at Remus, who was staring at his Potions book as if it might suddenly spill its secrets if Remus stared intently enough. It was only a day before the next full moon, which tended to make concentrating more difficult for Remus, and Sirius hadn’t found it in himself to say no when Remus had asked for help with his Potions homework.

Bloody Remus with his stupidly pretty face and imploring blue eyes.

Remus knew the effect his puppy-dog stare had on Sirius, and he was shameless about exploiting that knowledge. He had been doing so since the beginning of their fifth year, which was also when he had started flirting with Sirius: his hand would linger a bit too long, his smile would be secretive and shy, and his pheromones were alluring even to Sirius’s omega senses. He was sure that if he were an alpha, he wouldn’t have been able to resist at all.

Of course, if he were an alpha, he wouldn’t have a reason to resist to begin with.

When Sirius had first realised that Remus fancied him back, he had been elated. He was sure he had never felt such happiness. And then it had quickly died into dread and guilt because if Remus knew the truth, he wouldn’t waste his time on Sirius. He shouldn’t waste his time on Sirius. He wanted an alpha, and that was the one thing Sirius would never be able to give him.

Sirius’s apparent disinterest had made Remus back off. It didn’t stop his pheromones from calling to Sirius, trying to lure him in to reveal all his darkest secrets. And sometimes, Sirius wanted to give in.

It seemed that this year, Remus had decided to give it another go. Sirius had tried to come up with a book that would believably be so important that he would bother going to the library to get it, and as they had wandered between the bookshelves, Sirius pretending to be searching for a specific book, Remus had stood just a tad too close to be considered friendly. Their shoulders had brushed together, and at one point, Remus had touched Sirius’s hand with questioning fingers. Sirius had pretended not to notice, and Remus had given up.

Sirius felt bad about it. He wasn’t sure what his pheromones were doing, but they must have been telling Remus exactly how he felt. Yet, he couldn’t act on his feelings.

He hoped that Remus couldn’t sense the extent of his longing.

Remus must have known that Sirius fancied him because he had always worried that people would think badly of him if he were to act in any way like a stereotypical omega, and had already worried about what people thought of him because he was best friends with two alphas and a beta. Sirius didn’t think Remus would have dared to try flirting with one of his best friends if he thought his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

“Padfoot,” Remus said, but before he could say anything else, someone stopped by their table.

“Hi,” that someone said, and both Remus and Sirius turned to look at him. “Can I sit here?”

Remus flashed him a bright smile and immediately said, “Sure.”

“Thanks,” the boy said and sat down.

Sirius recognised him as being from Ravenclaw and a year above them but couldn’t remember his name. He was an alpha, though, and Sirius wasn’t sure how to feel about it. It felt weird that this alpha would choose to sit there, at their table, when there were free tables elsewhere.

Sirius turned to look at Remus, whose cheeks had gained colour. Sirius frowned, but before he had time to think about it further, Remus turned to him.

“Why can’t you mix fluxweed with lacewing flies?” Remus asked, frowning at his book.

“What?” Sirius asked, flummoxed. “You can mix them.”

“But it says here you can’t,” Remus said, tapping the page with his finger.

Sirius was sure that the book said no such thing, and for Remus to get so confused about it, his concentration must have been non-existent.

“Which potion are you looking at?” the Ravenclaw alpha asked before Sirius could say anything.

Remus glanced at the alpha and gave him a shy smile that Sirius had never seen directed at anyone other than himself. Remus turned his book so that the other boy could see.

“Ah, yes,” the Ravenclaw said. “It means that you can’t have both of them if you’re working with armadillo bile.”

“Oh,” Remus breathed out.

Sirius frowned at Remus, who pulled his book back and gave the Ravenclaw his shy smile again.

“Thank you,” Remus said.

“No problem,” the Ravenclaw said.

“I have something to do,” Sirius said.

Without waiting for an answer, he got up and stomped out of the library.

He was still stomping when he finally reached Hogsmeade. Then he had to calm down to prevent drawing too much attention to himself. He focused on thinking about the potion he had to brew.

On their first night back at Hogwarts, Sirius had waited until he was certain that the others were asleep before he cast _Lumos_ and took out the book on advanced healing potions that he had hidden under his pillow when no one was looking. He had managed to slip it between his schoolbooks in Diagon Alley, and the Potters had bought it for him with the rest of his books. He only felt mildly guilty about making them pay for it without asking.

As he had anticipated, the Suppressing Potion wasn’t very difficult to make, and most of the ingredients were standard potion ingredients – and therefore, not suspicious to purchase. He would have to pay a visit to Slughorn’s stores too, but at least he merely needed to take a couple of things rather than the lot of them.

It was only when he was back on his way to Hogwarts that he remembered why he had been in a bad mood, and he sullenly stomped towards the castle.

Remus had clearly been interested in the Ravenclaw alpha. Sirius had known that at some point, Remus would find someone else since Sirius wasn’t returning his flirting, but there was a big part of him that had lived in firm denial and childishly believed that Remus would always only have eyes for him. Maybe there was also a part of him that had wished that if he tried hard enough, he would turn into a real alpha, and once that happened, he could finally sweep Remus off his feet.

The sad reality was that it was never going to happen.

Sirius only had two options. His first option was to tell Remus the truth, but that would end with Remus not wanting him any longer. His second option was to accept that anything other than friendship with Remus was hopeless, and he would simply have to learn to watch Remus with someone else without being in too much pain.

The first option being out of the question, he was left with no choice but to accept and adapt.

His resolution started crumbling the moment he climbed through the portrait hole into the common room and Remus handed him a book with a small smile.

“You forgot your book in the library,” Remus said.

How could Sirius not love him?

*

It didn’t take long before Remus started dating the Ravenclaw alpha, whose name, Sirius had finally learned, was Benjy Fenwick. Fenwick was a beater in the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, giving him an admirable physique. Furthermore, he was a Prefect, and he was smart and actually enjoyed studying, but he was also funny and enjoyed Remus’s mischievous streak. He was perfect for Remus.

Sirius tried to stay neutral about it but appeared not to be doing a good job of it because a few weeks into Remus’s relationship, James confronted him in the dormitory after classes.

“You’ve got to stop doing that,” James said.

“Doing what?” Sirius asked offhandedly as he dropped his bookbag onto his bed.

“Giving Remus the cold shoulder just because you missed your opportunity,” James said.

Sirius opened his mouth, then shut it. He hadn’t been aware that he was acting in any way unusually with Remus – not to mention, he hadn’t known that James knew about his feelings.

“I don’t know what you were thinking turning him down,” James continued. “Everyone can see that you fancy him but you’ve been holding back for some reason.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say.

“He has given you so many opportunities,” James said. “He gave you all of last year to come around, but you didn’t. He’s allowed to move on.”

“I know that,” Sirius said weakly.

James gave him a sympathetic look.

“Just something to think about, Padfoot,” he said, patted Sirius on the shoulder, and left, stepping aside at the door when Marlene happened to be coming in.

Marlene looked after James, then turned to Sirius, who was still standing frozen in the middle of the dormitory.

“What have you done now?” she asked.

She headed to her bed and started rummaging around in her trunk. Sirius stared at the door and tried not to feel hurt. James didn’t know what he was talking about. James didn’t know the important details. If he knew, he would be more understanding.

Maybe.

How could Sirius stop acting differently towards Remus when he hadn’t even realised he was doing it in the first place? Had he been cold towards Remus? He didn’t think so. He might have been avoiding Remus a bit because he couldn’t bear listening to how happy he was with his nice alpha boyfriend – not to mention smelling how happy Remus was while his pheromones were still calling for Sirius – but he hadn’t realised that it might come across as him being… what? Jealous?

Which, he begrudgingly admitted, was exactly how he felt.

“Oi, Black!”

Sirius blinked and turned to look at Marlene who was now peering at him closely.

“McKinnon,” Sirius said with a curt nod, then strode out of the room without acknowledging her further, even though she was saying something.

“Wanker,” he heard her yell after him when he was already halfway down the stairs.

He didn’t stop; he stormed through the Common room and didn’t turn when he heard someone (it was Remus) call his name. He hurried towards the room he had accidentally found on the seventh floor near a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. He still wasn’t quite sure how he had found it or how the room worked, but when he had managed to find it a second time after the initial discovery, he had decided it was the best place to brew his potion – especially because the room wasn’t on the Map. He didn’t need to take the Map with him every time he went there, which made it easier for him to hide that he was going somewhere where he didn’t want to be found.

He had brewed his first batch of the Suppressing Potion in mid-September, and it seemed to have been effective. He was, however, worried that the regular potion might not be enough. The potion his parents had been giving him was a different colour and tasted far less foul, and he had been trying to figure out how the two potions differed.

He had concluded that because he wasn’t only trying to keep his heats at bay – he was trying to seem like an alpha – he would have to brew something different. The regular potion was going to be okay for short-term use, but eventually, someone was bound to notice a difference. He had to be careful so that he didn’t start smelling like an omega. He might be able to explain it away as having been in close contact with an omega, but he didn’t particularly want to appear to be shagging someone after turning Remus down so vehemently.

The room seemed to be able to read his thoughts because once Sirius had realised that he needed more information, it had produced an extensive library of books on healing potions and general knowledge of the differences between alphas and omegas. The books had been a big help, and Sirius had already come up with a few ideas for bettering his potion.

He had been looking for more information first, however, as he had been – maybe uncharacteristically – apprehensive of brewing an unknown potion and then testing it on himself. He figured that he might not have been so worried if he was doing anything else than trying to keep his secret from being discovered.

With a sigh, he picked up a book and started reading. He had already made charts of the physical differences between alphas and omegas in the hopes that it would help him understand what he needed his potion to do. He was mostly having trouble trying to figure out what the regular Suppressing Potion did exactly because the books didn’t offer much of an explanation. Therefore, he had been reading up on the potion ingredients, hoping to find out how combining them into a potion might affect omegas.

It was tedious work, and he couldn’t help his thoughts wandering. Usually, he ended up thinking about Remus and Remus’s amazing alpha boyfriend.

He sighed, thinking about how he had felt drawn to Remus for the first time when they were 11, not understanding why. He hadn’t known what it was that made Remus, a plain-looking shy omega, seem so interesting to him, and it had taken him a couple of years to understand that he had a crush.

He, an omega, had a crush on another omega.

It had taken him quite a while to come to terms with it. In the end, he had accepted it because he had realised that if he had a crush on an omega, he was closer to being an alpha than an omega.

He smiled as he thought about 11-year-old Remus hexing a seventh-year Slytherin who had been tormenting a couple of second-year Hufflepuffs. It had been quite a mess, and once McGonagall had shown up and given Remus detention, James had jumped in to act like a noble alpha to save Remus from detention. It had not gone down well with Remus, and ever since that day, Sirius had been absolutely smitten, and James had been adamant about making friends with Remus.

Sirius had had no objections.

Along with Remus came Peter, as the two had already struck up a friendship earlier. Sirius had once overheard Peter telling Remus about how he worried that the alphas he shared a dormitory with would overlook him because he was a beta. Truthfully, Sirius hadn’t given Peter much thought, but since he’d listened to Remus gently assure Peter that there was no reason why any alpha would think poorly of him for being a beta, Sirius had sought to be nicer to Peter and make sure he felt accepted.

Well, he might not have always made a very good job of it, but at least he tried.

He attempted to divert his thoughts back to the reading he needed to complete. He had already sketched up a way to change the regular Suppressing Potion to better suit his needs, but he was hesitant to try. There were too many things that could go wrong if he didn’t succeed, and he wasn’t exactly the best at experimental potion making – meaning that he had absolutely no experience in experimental potion making.

With a sigh, Sirius returned to the books. He had work to do.

*

After Sirius had determined that he was ready to try, it took him two days to finish his first experimental potion.

It didn’t look good. The colour was a shade more towards the colour of the potion he had been consuming all his life, but it was still way off. The smell was not even close to being right. And he wasn’t quite prepared to taste-test it yet.

He poured a bit of the Black family Suppressant – as he had started calling it – into a beaker and proceeded to test the magical qualities of both potions, writing down notes, and comparing them. Magically speaking, it wasn’t too far off, but off enough that Sirius wasn’t sure whether he should test it on himself at all.

He might have to; the regular Suppressing Potion probably wasn’t doing much for him in terms of keeping his secret. He also worried that he hadn’t been discovered yet only because either the Black family Suppressant’s effects were designed to wear off gradually, or because the potion had accumulated into his system over time and his body was struggling to return to its natural state.

He didn’t know what to do, but the worry had taken hold, so without thinking much further, he filled a cup with his experimental potion and downed it.

It tasted terrible, which didn’t fill Sirius with confidence. He idly wondered if the Black family Suppressant had been modified to make it taste nicer or if it was a natural feature of it.

He reached for some parchment and a quill to mark down his findings.

The next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor and his head was throbbing with pain. His vision was blurry and didn’t improve as he blinked. He only managed to make his headache worse.

Very, very slowly, he rolled onto his side, then had to stop to breathe and wait for the sudden bout of nausea to abate. After that was over, he started pushing himself upright even more slowly.

It took him a long time, but he eventually managed to stagger out of the room.

The corridors were quiet and dark. Sirius had no idea what time it was.

Had he been unconscious? How long? Was it a dangerous side effect?

He pressed his hand against the wall and took a few steps towards where he thought the Gryffindor Tower probably was located but had to then lean more heavily against the wall. His vision was still blurry, and that, in addition to it being dark, made him feel vulnerable as he made his way forward.

He wasn’t sure where he was. Where had he been when he left? Which room had he been in? Why wasn’t he in the common room?

Right, the potion. The potion.

He stumbled forward and ran into something. It turned out to be a suit of armour that noisily clattered to the floor.

Sirius froze. He was hardly breathing, listening for footsteps, but his heart was beating too loudly for him to hear. He stood there for a long time, and not only because he was listening; he wasn’t quite sure how to get around the suit of armour because he didn’t feel steady enough to walk without leaning onto something.

He pushed his feet forward and after a couple of shifts, his toes hit a piece of metal. He could shuffle through the clutter, of course, but that would be noisy, and he didn’t want to draw attention to himself. So, he squinted at where the other wall of the corridor was supposed to be. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was there. Because he had been in that corridor before. He was quite sure. Even if he couldn’t remember which corridor it was exactly.

In a fit of courage, he pushed himself away from the wall and took a few hesitant steps towards where the opposite wall should be. It didn’t surprise him when he stumbled and fell, making a funny ‘oof’ sound once he hit the floor.

That’s when he noticed the sound of someone approaching. He squinted at the walls but couldn’t see either of them. He turned to look towards the footsteps but couldn’t see anything. He pulled himself forward, wishing that if he got next to the wall, he would somehow merge with the shadows and couldn’t be found.

Before he got there, however, someone turned the corner – Sirius knew this because they brought light with them.

“Padfoot?” a voice asked.

“What?” Sirius asked in return.

There were two people headed his way, he was almost certain, but couldn’t make out more than their blurry outlines.

“Wormtail?” he asked.

“What?” the voice asked, almost affronted. “Have you been drinking?”

Sirius giggled because he _had_ been drinking, hadn’t he? It was just that he had been drinking illicit potions rather than alcohol.

“Oh, Merlin,” the voice sighed, and Sirius then recognised it as Remus.

The two blurry figures stopped next to Sirius. Sirius couldn’t see or smell them well enough to make out either of them.

“Can you stand?” the second figure asked with a voice that Sirius couldn’t immediately identify.

Then again, he hadn’t immediately known Remus either, so maybe the second figure was James.

“Don’t think so,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus gave a long-suffering sigh, but then crouched down. At least, Sirius was almost certain it was Remus.

“What’s wrong with your eyes?” Remus asked.

“What?” Sirius asked in surprise. “Describe it, please.”

Remus paused, but then said, “It looks like your eyelids are swollen and red.”

“Interesting,” Sirius mumbled.

He’d have to remember that.

“What are you doing here?” Remus then asked.

“Does it matter?” the second voice asked in return. “We should take him to the Hospital Wing.”

“No!” Sirius yelped too loudly and lowered his voice. “Not the Hospital Wing.”

“Up you go,” Remus said.

He pulled Sirius into a sitting position, wrapped Sirius’s arm around his shoulders, and then pulled Sirius all the way up. The second figure hurried to stabilise Sirius when he swayed dangerously. Sirius squinted at him. He still couldn’t tell who it was, but his scent was vaguely familiar. Sirius turned to look at Remus and was disappointed to find that he couldn’t make out Remus’s face either.

He leaned closer to see if Remus would come into focus, but that’s when the second figure started pulling him… somewhere.

“Where are we?” Sirius asked.

“You don’t know?” Remus asked gently.

Sirius thought. He had been somewhere, but the exact location escaped him. He turned his head to look around but still couldn’t make out anything other than darkness.

“Is this the fourth floor?” he asked.

He could almost hear Remus rolling his eyes.

“No,” the unknown second figure said. “This is the seventh floor.”

“What am I doing on the seventh floor?” Sirius wondered out loud.

“Can’t you remember?” Remus asked.

“Does it matter?” the second figure said.

There was something oddly familiar in his voice but not in the same way James’s voice was familiar.

“I think it does,” Remus said sharply. Then, kindlier, “What happened? Why can’t you remember?”

“I can’t see,” Sirius said.

That gave Remus pause. The second figure gave an exasperated sigh. Sirius had no idea where they were headed.

“We really should get you to the Hospital Wing,” Remus said.

“No,” Sirius said and turned to look at Remus, although he couldn’t see him. “Please, Moony. I promise to go in the morning if I still can’t see.”

The second figure gave a wry snort. Sirius felt like he should push him away but doing so would only compromise his own fragile balance.

Remus hesitated but then said, “All right. But you have to promise that if there’s something even slightly wrong in the morning, you’ll go. No arguments.”

“I promise,” Sirius said and thought that his voice was a tad too soft.

The figure to his right gave him a sharp pull and he stumbled farther away from Remus. Which wasn’t very far at all, since his arm was still around Remus’s shoulders, but the message was loud and clear, and that’s when Sirius realised that the second person was Fenwick.

In hindsight, he should have realised it sooner since Fenwick was also a Prefect. It made sense for the lovebirds to want to patrol together.

The thought made him sick, and he tried to push it down because he was being unfair to Remus. Remus had the right to date. Remus was allowed to move on.

Too late, he realised that the feeling had been physical. He was only a bit smug that he threw up on Fenwick and not Remus.

“What happened to you?” Remus asked after they had made their way through the portrait hole and into the common room, Fenwick having had to stay in the corridor. “You don’t smell like alcohol.”

“’m not drunk,” Sirius muttered.

“But you act like you are,” Remus said. “I suppose problems with vision aren’t a usual side effect of drinking, though.”

“If you drink enough,” Sirius mumbled. “Have a bit of ambition, Moony.”

Remus chuckled and started dragging Sirius up to the alpha dormitory. They didn’t talk more, which was a relief because Sirius felt like his face was very heavy suddenly, and he wasn’t sure he could move his mouth at all. He rested his head on Remus’s shoulder. Remus smelled nice. He wished, he wished that he could have Remus to himself.

Remus lowered him onto his bed, and Sirius thought about how strong Remus had to be to do that. Remus took off Sirius’s shoes and placed them at the foot of the bed. He pulled the blanket over Sirius.

“Sleep well, Padfoot,” he whispered.

There was a soft touch on Sirius’s hair, and Sirius wished that he could see. He wanted to see what Remus looked like.

“Thanks, Moony,” Sirius said, but he had trouble moving his jaw, so he wasn’t sure it came out right.

Remus responded with an amused chuckle, which indicated that it hadn’t.

“Remember,” Remus whispered, and Sirius faintly understood that everyone else in the room must have been asleep. “Hospital Wing in the morning if you have any lingering effects.”

Sirius tried to nod but his head was too heavy. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

He heard Remus pull his curtains shut. He heard Remus’s soft footsteps leave the room.

And then, he fell asleep.

*

Sirius woke up with a nasty headache and the taste of rotting eggs in his mouth. He couldn’t even begin to guess why. He dragged himself upright on the bed, pulled his curtains open, and looked around the room blearily. Marlene turned to look at him and snorted.

“What have you been up to?” she asked, sniggering to herself as she finished packing her bag.

“What?” Sirius asked.

His brain felt sluggish and he blinked a few times in the hopes that it would help. It didn’t.

“Potter and Pettigrew tried to wake you up,” Marlene said. “They gave up.”

“What?” Sirius asked again.

Marlene shook her head and smiled, but then her face went sombre.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “I didn’t hear the full conversation, but I heard Lupin talking to them. It sounded to me like he had to drag you in last night, and he was worried about you.”

“What?” Sirius asked yet again.

“You can start by telling me if you need the Hospital Wing,” Marlene said.

It was unnerving to hear her speak so softly. Sirius had only ever heard her use that tone of voice with first-years – sometimes even second-years.

“Well?” Marlene asked when Sirius remained quiet. “Hospital Wing? Yes or no?”

“No,” Sirius said slowly. “No, I don’t think I need that.”

“All right,” Marlene said and headed towards the door. Then, she stopped and turned to look at Sirius again. “You might want to get up quickly, though. You’ll miss Charms.”

With one last smile, Marlene was gone. In her place at the door stood Remus.

“Morning,” Remus said. “James and Peter told me they couldn’t wake you up. I came to see if you need the Hospital Wing.”

“Why does everyone want to take me to the Hospital Wing?” Sirius asked.

Remus stepped into the room and closed the door behind himself. Sirius urgently fought the spark of excitement as he couldn’t help thinking about being alone in an empty dormitory with Remus: Remus and him and beds in the same room.

Remus sat down next to him and pressed his hand onto his forehead.

“You look horrible,” he said.

“Thank you ever so much, Moony,” Sirius joked weakly. More seriously, he said, “I feel kind of horrible.”

“In what way?” Remus asked. “Is it similar to last night?”

“Last night?” Sirius asked, surprised. “What happened last night?”

Remus gave him a long searching look before gently asking, “You don’t remember?”

Sirius shook his head, which made it hurt more, and he grimaced.

“You were acting very oddly,” Remus said. “I first thought you were drunk but it can’t have been that.”

“Why?” Sirius asked.

“No smell,” Remus said and smiled. “You weren’t slurring. And you said you couldn’t see.”

“I couldn’t see?” Sirius asked, and it jogged a memory.

“I think you could see some,” Remus said.

Sirius frowned. Then he remembered the blurry images and the confusion and being guided to bed by Remus. And Fenwick, but Sirius didn’t want to think about him.

“Oh, right,” he said. “Now I remember. Everything was kind of blurry.”

“What happened?” Remus asked. “You wouldn’t give me a coherent answer last night.”

Sirius hummed in thought. He could now remember passing out and waking up and trying to make his way back to the Gryffindor Tower. He also remembered Remus describing his eyelids as swollen and red.

It was fascinating. He wondered what had caused it. The mix of ingredients must have been wrong somehow, and he needed to figure out how.

“Padfoot?” Remus’s voice nudged Sirius back to presence. “You remember what you promised?”

“Oh,” Sirius said. “Yeah, I remember. But I don’t feel bad at all. I don’t need the Hospital Wing.”

Remus looked sceptical but nodded.

“I promise I’m fine,” Sirius said.

Remus sighed and nodded again.

“Promise,” Sirius added.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Remus asked.

Sirius bit his lip. He hadn’t had an opportunity to come up with a believable excuse.

“I thought so,” Remus said.

With another sigh, he stood up.

“You should probably take a shower,” he said. “You’ll miss the first class anyway.”

Right when he said that, the door slammed open, and Sirius winced. James was standing in the doorway looking surprised.

“Oh, you’re up,” he said and strode closer. “Good. I brought you breakfast.”

“See you later,” Remus said and left.

“I’m coming with you,” James called after him, then turned to Sirius. “Eat. Shower. Get dressed. You’re late.”

With that, James turned on his heels and hurried out of the dormitory. Sirius could only look after him. He then turned to his breakfast, which turned out to be a pile of dry toast.

“Thanks a lot, Prongs,” Sirius muttered.

As he leisurely ate a piece of toast, he started working on a hypothesis on what had gone wrong. He couldn’t wait for the end of classes so he could go and try to modify the potion. He was bound to get it right.

Eventually.

*

The sixth experimental potion had been a failure too, and Sirius was growing agitated because he was quickly running out of the original Black family Suppressant. Testing the similarities and differences between two potions was draining his supply that had been very small to begin with. He needed to figure out what he was doing wrong with his potion, but he only had two or three chances left.

He entered the common room like a storm and headed to the fireplace. The sofa and chairs right beside it were taken by a few second-years, and he glared at them until they scuttled away. He sat down and stared morosely into the fire.

“You can't keep doing that,” a disapproving voice told him.

“Are you going to stop me, Prefect Moony?” Sirius asked, unbothered.

Remus sat down next to him and looked at him almost guardedly. Sirius wondered what his face must have looked like right then. He sighed and turned to sit on the sofa sideways, facing Remus who was leaning on the backrest, his torso turned towards Sirius.

“I can’t stop you,” Remus said with his usual sweet smile, “but I must reprimand you for menacing the younger students.”

His smile was threatening to become a grin, and Sirius grinned at him in return.

“I can’t promise anything,” Sirius said.

“I knew that,” Remus said and shook his head, mock disappointed.

Then they fell quiet. Remus’s smile was warm, and he rested his head on the sofa, still gazing at Sirius. His gaze was probably a tad more longing than just a friendly one. Sirius sometimes wondered if his own longing was very obvious when he looked at Remus.

But there was no changing it. Remus wanted an alpha, and Sirius couldn’t give him that.

His smile died away as he remembered the ugly stench of failure still clinging to him. How could he not have figured out the potion yet? What was he doing wrong with it?

Remus cleared his throat, and Sirius focused on him again. He still seemed relaxed, but the expression on his face was something more towards worry.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

Sirius shrugged. “Yes.”

Remus considered him for a long time before saying, “You've been acting very strangely since I got together with Benjy.”

Sirius scoffed. Remus raised an inquisitive brow.

“It's not that,” Sirius snapped. “It's not about you. Not everything is about you, Moony.”

And he immediately regretted his words.

Remus’s face fell. He sucked his lip into his mouth and turned his head until he was no longer facing Sirius.

“Moony–” Sirius started, but Remus interrupted him.

“No, it's all right,” he said. “You're right. Not everything is about me.”

And before Sirius could say anything, Remus had gotten up and stridden over to the stairs to the omega dormitories. Sirius watched him go with an ache in his chest, and once Remus was completely out of sight, he gave a loud sigh and dropped face-first onto the sofa. It was not a comfortable position, but he deserved every bit of discomfort he got.

He was the worst person in the world.

How could anyone make Remus’s gentle face look so forlorn?

He groaned loudly. Someone chuckled above him.

“Go away,” he mumbled against the sofa.

“What’s going on with you?” Peter asked and sat down on a chair next to the sofa.

“I’m the worst person ever,” Sirius said and sighed. “I don’t deserve friends at all. Especially not friends who worry about me even though I’m a real prat to them.”

“You haven’t been very pratty to me,” Peter said.

“Lucky you,” Sirius muttered and groaned again. “I keep upsetting Remus. I don’t do it on purpose. But it happens, and then I can’t live with the guilt of making him look so… abandoned. As if my words have already pushed him completely away.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way,” Peter said.

“He must,” Sirius said. “I’m sure he hates me at this point.”

“How could he ever hate you?” Peter muttered so quietly that Sirius wasn’t sure he had been supposed to hear. More loudly, Peter said, “He doesn’t hate you. He knows you. And he knows that when you’re upset, you lash out at the people who least deserve it.”

“Thank you ever so much for such a flattering description,” Sirius said, but his voice wasn’t quite as sarcastic as he had intended.

“Hey,” Peter said. “He’s been friends with you for many years. At this point, he knows you inside and out. He doesn’t hate you.”

“Everyone has a breaking point,” Sirius pointed out, and finally turned his head so he was looking at Peter rather than the sofa’s upholstery. “I’m sure I’ll eventually make him reach his.”

“Moony is the most patient person I’ve ever met,” Peter said. “He’s saint levels of patient. If there’s anyone who will never get tired of you, it’s him.”

“Are you trying to say,” Sirius asked with a small grin, “that you have gotten tired of me?”

Peter gave him a sardonic look.

“That’s obviously what I’ve been talking about this entire time,” he said. “When I say that Moony isn’t tired of you, obviously it means that I am very tired of you. Only one of us can be not tired with you at once. How have you not noticed?”

Sirius snorted and turned to lie more comfortably on the sofa.

“Thanks,” he said quietly. “You’re the best.”

“No,” Peter said. “Moony is the best. But I will gladly be the second best.”

Sirius smiled at him. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was still much better than what he would have been able to achieve five minutes earlier.

“I’m really glad we’re friends,” Sirius said in a moment of unusual vulnerability.

“Me too,” Peter told him.

They shared a smile, then turned to look at the blazing fire. Sirius thought that he should remember to be nicer to Peter more often.

And to Remus.

Then he wondered if this sudden urge to have emotional discussions was yet another side effect.

They remained silent and unmoving until Sirius noticed James heading their way. He lazily waved at James, who gave him a wide smile and waved back, but before making it to them, James’s attention was diverted towards the omega dormitories.

Must have been Evans, Sirius thought.

“Moony,” James said, much to Sirius’s surprise.

And shame. He wished that he could melt into the sofa, so Remus didn’t need to see him again.

“Where are you off to?” James asked.

“I have a date with Benjy,” Remus’s voice said behind the sofa Sirius was lying on.

“Have fun,” James said, and his grin widened. “Stay safe.”

“Prongs,” Remus groaned, but his smile was obvious in his voice.

“See you later, then,” James said.

Remus didn’t say anything, but he must have waved – to Peter as well because Peter waved to him. At least Sirius assumed so. He couldn’t bear to look at Remus, so he had turned his head.

“What’s wrong with you?” James asked and poked Sirius on the head.

Sirius whined, but James ignored it. He pushed and prodded until Sirius moved and let him sit down.

“I’m an arsehole,” Sirius told him.

“What else is new?” James asked, but smiled. “What’s this about?”

Sirius sulkily stared at the fire again. It didn’t judge him. Did it?

“Moony,” Peter said helpfully.

James’s grin disappeared.

“Oi,” he said and swatted at Sirius’s arm. “What have you done now?”

“What do arseholes usually do?” Sirius asked and gave a grim laugh. “Spout shit.”

He glanced at James who looked stunned, clearly unable to decide if he should reprimand Sirius for having been an awful friend again or laugh at the stupid pun.

“I’m going to sleep,” Sirius said before James could decide.

Without waiting for a response, he jumped up and hurried to their dormitory. Still fully dressed, he climbed into bed and pulled the curtains shut.

He then proceeded to lie silently, listening to the other occupants of the room come and go until everyone settled down to sleep. He couldn’t even find it in himself to feel bad about his missed homework.

He could barely stop himself from imagining what Remus and Benjy were doing, and what he could be doing with Remus instead if he wasn’t an omega.

Or such a coward.

But mostly an omega.

He fell asleep fully dressed when the others had already been sleeping for hours.

*

Sirius stared at the results in trepidation. He had used up the last of the Black family Suppressant he’d had left, but his newest experiment had looked so similar to it. He had been certain that he had gotten it right.

Yet, it appeared that he had still done something wrong, and now he had none of the original potion left.

The potions were the same colour and appeared to have the same smell. The magical qualities, however, seemed to differ quite a bit, and Sirius didn’t know what it meant. He had no idea how to interpret the results any more conclusively than _they don’t look the same_. Analysing the magical qualities of potions was N.E.W.T. level, and while he knew that it required advanced knowledge of Arithmancy, that hadn’t really told him anything. The results he had just gotten might have been very bad. Or they might have been insignificant.

He couldn’t know, and that was the main issue.

He didn’t really have a choice, though, did he? The original potion was gone, so if he didn’t want to test this new potion, he would have to settle for the regular Suppressing Potion, and he still didn’t think it was going to keep his secret.

But he didn’t know what this new potion would do.

So far, each potion had had some less than pleasant side effects. Some of those had become obvious almost immediately, while some had taken a couple of days to appear. During experiment number four, Sirius had managed to somehow Confund himself, and Peter had found him wandering the corridors, unable to tell where he was and where he was supposed to go. Peter had had to hold his hand and walk him back to their dormitory because Sirius would get distracted and wander off when Peter looked elsewhere.

During experiment number five, he had burst into uncontrollable tears and had to stay in the brewing room until nightfall. He had hoped to sneak back into the Gryffindor Tower unnoticed because he still hadn’t figured out how to stop crying, but it was just his luck that Remus and Fenwick happened to find him on that specific night. Much to Fenwick’s disgruntlement, Remus had accompanied Sirius back to the common room, where he had proceeded to ask what was wrong until he gave up and walked Sirius up to the alpha dormitory.

At least, everyone had been asleep by then and Sirius woke up with no tears. Remus had been worriedly following him around for a couple of days afterwards, so Sirius had had to take a break from his experimenting.

And then, after the seventh experiment, he had realised that he could no longer smell James as strongly as before, and he had concluded that it must have been a side effect too. He just couldn’t figure out what caused it, and he had been certain that his potion was close enough to the original to work.

Now, he was facing his last chance. If this potion had failed, he didn’t know what to do. He could keep experimenting, but he would be going in blind, being unable to compare the new potions to the original. He supposed that he could save some of the newest potion and compare to it, but he didn’t quite trust his ability to read the magical components correctly if he had to compare two experimental potions and then compare that to the previous results.

Remus would have been good at that.

Not that Remus was talking to him.

Well, it wasn’t that Remus wasn’t talking to Sirius; it was more that Sirius wasn’t talking to Remus. Since he seemed to ruin everything between them, Sirius had decided it was better to keep a distance. He could see how it upset Remus, however, and he didn’t quite know what he was supposed to do.

Apologising might be a good starting point.

But before that, he had to decide what to do about the newest potion.

There was only one option, though, wasn’t there? So, Sirius poured himself a cupful of the potion and drank it.

It didn’t taste quite as dreadful as some of his previous experiments, but it was nowhere near what the Black family Suppressant had tasted like. He placed the cup back onto the floor and waited. There was odd churning in his gut, but after sitting still for five minutes and nothing else happening, he concluded that the churning was probably nerves.

Carefully, he stood up and headed out.

He made it to the Gryffindor Tower with no ill effects. He was starting to feel cautiously optimistic. And then, he noticed Remus sitting in a corner by a table, books open around him as he wrote something. Impulsively, Sirius headed his way and sat down.

“Hello, Moony,” he said.

Remus glanced up with a frown of concentration before focusing on his writing again.

“So,” he said as he dipped his quill into a bottle of ink, “you’re talking to me again.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said immediately. “I didn’t…” He sighed. “I’ve been so awful to you lately, and I wanted to avoid saying anything else stupid.”

Remus looked up from his homework – at least, Sirius hoped it was homework and not something awful like independent research that had nothing to do with pranks.

“It’s okay,” he said.

“It’s not,” Sirius said before Remus could turn away again. “It’s not okay, and I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’ve… I’ve been under a lot of stress.”

Remus placed down his quill, all his attention on Sirius now. Sirius almost wished that Remus would ignore him and return to his homework instead.

“It’s just,” Sirius said quietly. “You know. All that… leaving… leaving Grimmauld Place and… and everything that came with it. It’s… not easy.”

Remus’s expression was sympathetic, and he reached over the table to pat Sirius’s arm.

“I understand,” he said. “I’m not blaming you. I know things changed for you and it must be hard to get used to everything.”

Sirius forced a small smile on his face. He hoped it looked happy rather than lost. With the potion issue occupying his thoughts, he hadn’t had time to think about the other stuff that running away from home had brought with it. Or no, that wasn’t accurate. It was what happened right _before_ he ran away that he hadn’t had time to think about.

And he wasn’t going to think about it.

Ever.

“Still,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’ve been a twat and I’m not proud of it.”

Remus gave him a beaming smile.

“Thank you,” he said. “We’re okay.”

“Good,” Sirius said, his own smile more genuine now.

Remus returned to what he had been doing – an essay on Arithmancy, Sirius found out – and Sirius spent the rest of the evening watching Remus work. His smile was no longer forced at all.

He had a good feeling about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been getting very easily distracted, so writing - but especially editing - has been nice and challenging! But now I have decided that this chapter is done, I need to move on. That being said, I did the final editing round with my past-midnight brain, so hopefully I didn't miss anything vital.
> 
> I have a good chunk of the second chapter written, but because of aforementioned reasons, I have no idea when it will be actually finished.
> 
> Other title ideas that I contemplated were "Side Effects May Include" and "Experimental Potion № 8", but they were a bit too light-hearted for the overall tone of this fic.


	2. 1977

**Autumn 1977**

As much as Sirius hated to admit it, he never got over Remus.

He didn’t even begin to get over Remus.

And he never got used to Remus dating Fenwick and talking about him with a pleased smile on his face, but Sirius had gotten better at pretending it didn’t bother him.

All through summer, Sirius had prepared himself for a year of watching Remus pine after his long-distance boyfriend, reminding himself that this was what he had chosen. He had chosen to keep his secret, and to keep it, he could never be with anyone. Not even Remus.

All the negative thoughts had made him feel increasingly weak, sometimes rendering him unable to get up from bed for hours. He couldn’t find the energy.

Come September, he had been ready to face Remus’s happiness, which is why he had not been prepared to finding Remus sitting alone in their usual compartment with red eyes, tear-tracks dried on his cheeks, clutching a letter in his shaking hand.

“Benjy broke up with me,” Remus had finally forced out, and Sirius spent their entire trip to Hogwarts trying to make him feel better while knowing that it wouldn’t really be better.

And because he was selfish, he was relieved to know that he wouldn’t have to hear what a great boyfriend Fenwick was. He was delighted when Remus told him that Fenwick was ‘a fucking coward’ and eagerly agreed with the sentiment. He was happy to know that he would finally get rid of the odd queasiness that had been plaguing him all through summer.

He had been wrong.

September had turned into October, and Sirius had not gotten rid of the odd bouts of dizziness and nausea. He had managed to keep it hidden from his friends, but if he couldn’t figure out how to make it stop, they were bound to notice. He probably should have visited the Hospital Wing, but he always worried that Madam Pomfrey might notice something he didn’t want her to see. So, he decided that he would visit the Hospital Wing only if his symptoms kept getting worse.

He knew that he would avoid the Hospital Wing until something drastic happened.

It didn’t take long for something drastic to happen.

He had been feeling quite miserable when he woke up that morning. He had pushed through it, and after breakfast, things started to seem better again. He had completely forgotten about the terrible morning by the time they headed to Potions.

In Potions, they had been brewing something that smelled especially foul, and by the end of class, Sirius was feeling suffocated. He wondered if it was the fumes but couldn’t help thinking back to how he had felt that morning.

“I don’t feel so good,” he said as they left the classroom.

“You don’t look so good,” Peter said and peered at him closely. “You’re all pale and shivery.”

“Haven’t you been feeling odd for a while now?” James asked.

Remus didn’t say anything, but he was watching Sirius. Sirius felt as though he was starting to sweat under Remus’s scrutiny.

In fact, he was really starting to sweat; beads of perspiration ran down his forehead. With shaking hands he wiped them off, but they were quickly replaced by new ones.

“Let’s get you to the Hospital Wing,” Remus said, taking a hold of his arm and turning him towards the right corridor.

Sirius couldn’t quite feel his legs, and he felt as though he was about to trip and fall. He looked down to make sure that he still had legs. He observed them moving just as usual – but he couldn’t feel when they hit the floor, making his movements uncoordinated and abrupt.

“All right there, Padfoot?” James asked.

Sirius’s knees buckled, and he was only saved from collapsing completely by Peter and James: James with his quick reflexes having gotten a hold of his arm, and Peter by standing right where Sirius was about to fall. Remus pulled Sirius’s arm over his shoulder and took a firm hold of his waist. Sirius knew that something was badly wrong because he wasn’t focusing on how nice it felt to have Remus so close to him. James held him up on his left side, and when Sirius opened his eyes, he saw that Peter was carrying all their bags.

Slowly, they made their way to the Hospital Wing. Each step seemed to drain Sirius of more energy, and his body was sweaty and hot, his hair sticking to his neck. His head was spinning, and he had to lean it against Remus because he could no longer hold it up. Breathing was getting difficult, and once they were getting close to the Hospital Wing, his vision was starting to get spotty.

“I’m going to throw up,” he mumbled against Remus’s ear.

“Oh, please, don’t,” he heard James’s voice as if it was coming from a different room.

Sirius could feel his stomach turning, but before he could tell whether he was going to throw up, everything went dark.

*

Sirius was cold.

He stirred and tried to find where he had kicked his blanket. Before he reached it, it was lifted over him, and he smiled in thanks. At least, he thought he did. He couldn’t quite make sense of his own body. But he was starting to feel warm, and that was nice.

He felt quite nice in general, when he thought about it. Perhaps a bit weak, but that was to be expected when one woke up after… after what? Had they been drinking? He didn’t feel hung-over, though.

“Hello, Padfoot,” a familiar voice said.

Sirius gradually opened his eyes until he could make out Remus sitting at his bedside.

“Hi,” he croaked out.

“Water?” Remus asked but was already pouring him a glass.

Sirius struggled to sit up. He tried to grasp the glass, but Remus ended up having to help him drink. After drinking, Sirius was glad to slump back down and close his eyes again.

“Hospital Wing?” he asked, voice working a bit better now.

“That’s right,” Remus said.

There was something he was holding back, and suddenly the quiet room seemed ominous.

Sirius opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. He was in a private room. He hadn’t known the Hospital Wing had private rooms. What had to go wrong for someone to be placed into a private room?

“Do you remember what happened?” Remus asked.

Sirius turned to look at him. Remus seemed apprehensive; he was toying with his fingers, his posture too stiff, and his expression too carefully neutral to be natural.

“No,” Sirius said. “I… did… did I pass out?”

“Well,” Remus said and gave a nervous laugh. “Yes.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, squinting at Remus as if that would help him see what it was that Remus wasn’t telling him.

Remus looked down at his own hands and bit his lip.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” he then burst out.

Sirius’s heart stuttered in his chest, and a wave of dread washed over him. He forced it down, furiously stomped down all fear, because there was no way that Remus meant… _that_.

“Tell you what?” he asked, and to his frustration, his voice trembled.

Remus turned his burning eyes to him, and Sirius knew that he knew.

“Why didn’t you tell us you’re an omega?” Remus asked, and Sirius could hear the real question, _Why didn’t you tell me_?

Sirius swallowed. His eyes were prickling with tears, but he wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t weak. He was still as strong as he always had been. He closed his eyes anyway, just in case.

“What happened?” he asked, and his voice was too wet and too heavy.

Remus was quiet. It was only now that Sirius realised that he couldn’t smell him. It made him uneasy; he was used to Remus’s scent. It had always been his favourite scent, it had always calmed him down, and now it was gone.

“You tell us,” Remus then said. “We don’t know. You…”

Sirius swallowed again.

“Madam Pomfrey said,” Remus continued, and his voice sounded strained. “I heard her talking to Professor McGonagall, and she said that it was an overdose of aconite.”

“Wolfsbane?” Sirius gasped.

Remus gave a dry laugh. “Ironic, isn’t it?”

It shouldn’t have surprised Sirius to find out that his dubious homemade Suppressing Potion had caused him health-issues, but it did. He should have realised it, he now thought. He should have realised that he had been feeling weird because he was regularly taking a potion that was, to all intents and purposes, something he had concocted himself without help from a professional.

“Why?” Remus asked, and his voice was very quiet.

Sirius opened his eyes to face Remus. Remus was watching his own hands that were now resting still on his lap. His hair was mussed up as if he had been pulling it in frustration. His eyelashes were casting a trembling shadow over his cheekbones.

“Because I had no choice,” Sirius whispered.

Remus didn’t even glance at him, but he could tell that Remus didn’t believe him from the way the set of his shoulders was stiff and restrained.

“I had no choice,” Sirius repeated, as if it would make a difference.

Remus nodded, still staring at his own hands.

For a long time, they remained quiet. Sirius didn’t know how he could explain. He had never thought he’d need to explain. He had no idea how he could put his feelings into words; how he feared that people would look at him and see an omega, but that he didn’t think that there was anything wrong with someone being an omega. It just wasn’t who he was.

He wasn’t supposed to be an omega.

Remus broke the silence by whispering, “So, it was on purpose?”

Sirius considered him, but Remus’s eyes were still fixated on his hands. Sirius didn’t understand the question. Not telling his friends had been on purpose – wasn’t that obvious?

“What?” he ended up asking.

“You overdosed on purpose?” Remus clarified, now turning grave eyes to Sirius. “Why?”

“No!” Sirius hurried to explain once he had gotten over the initial shock. “No, it wasn’t on purpose. I… I was taking a potion.”

“A potion,” Remus repeated in monotone.

Sirius nodded.

“What potion?” Remus asked.

“A suppressing potion,” Sirius whispered, “that I created myself.”

Remus stared at him in obvious disbelief. Sirius couldn’t bear to look at it, so he turned his head to stare at the ceiling. It was white and made him feel desolate.

“I had to keep it a secret,” he said. “I had no choice.”

He could feel Remus’s eyes on him as Remus said, “You did have a choice, though. You chose not to tell us. Did you not trust us?”

Sirius closed his eyes to keep them from tearing up.

 _Did you not trust me_? was what Remus was really asking, and as much as Sirius wanted to tell him that yes, of course, he trusted Remus, he couldn’t deny that he had lied through omission – which was a clear sign that he didn’t quite trust his friends.

“No one knew,” Sirius whispered miserably. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“But why?” Remus asked, his voice quiet as well.

Sirius swallowed and tried to calm down, but when he opened his eyes, they were wet. He glanced at Remus, who was watching him in quiet contemplation.

“It was too late,” Sirius said. “The lie had already been told years ago. How was I ever supposed to…”

Remus was watching him too closely, and Sirius wished that he could disappear to stop being the focus of Remus’s gaze.

“My parents,” Sirius whispered, then wasn’t quite sure what he had wanted to say.

“Your parents,” Remus asked when the silence stretched uncomfortably, “made you pretend?”

Sirius nodded and closed his eyes again.

“I wasn’t allowed to tell,” Sirius whispered so quietly that he wasn’t sure if Remus even heard him.

“I see,” Remus said. “I suppose it was easier to keep pretending. You only had two years of school left anyway.”

Sirius nodded, relieved to know that Remus had understood him.

“Would you have told us after school was over?” Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged as well as he could while lying down. He was sure Remus knew that he likely wouldn’t have. He would have taken his secret to his grave.

Remus gave a small sigh and said, “I need to get to class.”

Sirius opened his eyes to watch Remus stand up and pick up his bag.

“How long was I unconscious?” Sirius asked.

“Since yesterday,” Remus said. “You’ve woken up a couple of times but Madam Pomfrey suspected you wouldn’t remember it.”

“Well, I don’t,” Sirius said.

Remus smiled, but it felt superficial. It made Sirius feel horribly cold.

“I’ll be back later,” Remus said and headed to the door. “You should rest.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, wondering if Remus was also walking out of his life.

Remus placed his hand onto the door handle, then stopped.

“Is that why you kept turning me down?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“What?” Sirius asked in return, voice hoarse.

“I wouldn’t have cared,” Remus said. “I wouldn’t have minded that you’re an omega.”

Sirius opened his mouth, but his words got stuck in his throat. Remus gave him one last smile, then stepped out, quietly closing the door behind himself.

“Oh,” Sirius finally managed when Remus was gone.

*

Sirius kept his head down all the way from the Hospital Wing to the Gryffindor common room and up to his new dormitory. He followed Remus closely, glad that he had started being able to smell him again so he could follow his scent rather than need to see where he was. If he hadn’t been so busy being ashamed, he would have also been overjoyed to know that at least he still had one friend. His hair was long enough for him to use it as a shield between himself and the outside world, but even the longest hair wasn’t going to shield him from the whispers.

The whispers were following him immediately after he left the Hospital Wing, trailing after Remus, who had been quiet, had hardly said a word as he came to pick Sirius up. But he had come. Remus had come when Sirius needed support, and Sirius was never going to forget it. Even if it turned out that Remus didn’t want to be friends any longer, Sirius was still going to remember, and he was still going to pay Remus back somehow.

The whispers got more urgent once they reached the Gryffindor common room, and Sirius could feel his body shrink into itself as he shuffled a tad closer to Remus. From the corner of his eye, he could see James and Peter on the other side of the room, but he didn’t turn to them. They hadn’t visited him in the Hospital Wing.

Remus didn’t stop before they were in the dormitory, the door shut behind them. There was no one else in the room, and Sirius couldn’t help letting out a small sigh of relief. At least for a moment longer, he would be left in peace.

“How does everyone know?” he asked Remus because, apparently, his mouth had decided not to give him peace.

Remus glanced at him before saying, “Someone from Slytherin heard Madam Pomfrey discuss it with Professor McGonagall.”

“I bet it was Snivellus,” Sirius muttered, hands tightening into fists beside him. “I bet he was there to snoop around. Poking his big nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“It could have been anyone,” Remus said.

Remus didn’t need to try to calm Sirius down; all the fight had already slipped out of him.

It didn’t matter who it had been. It didn’t matter. The damage was already done, and there was no way to undo it. Some people might not have believed it, but a good chunk of Gryffindors had just watched him follow Remus into the omega dormitory without the staircase rejecting him.

Now they knew. And they would tell their friends. And it wouldn’t take long before everyone knew.

Sirius looked around the room. There were four beds in total: three were clearly in use, and one seemed to have been crammed into the corner as an afterthought. Sirius was sure that it had only been added for him. The dormitory must have been nicely spacious before the addition.

He felt bad.

He felt like he was intruding.

He was somewhere where he wasn’t supposed to be; he didn’t belong in an omega dormitory with omegas.

“Lily and Mary wanted to give you some space,” Remus said. “They won’t be back until close to curfew.”

“I don’t need space,” Sirius snapped.

Remus looked at him with a raised brow. It was unfair that Remus could raise one eyebrow. It was unfair that he was so sexy while doing so. It was unfair that Remus was an omega and Sirius was an omega too, and Sirius blinked rapidly to keep his eyes from tearing up because life was unfair enough without him becoming a cry-baby.

He turned to the window. It was bright and sunny outside. That seemed unfair too.

“Is there something you do need?” Remus asked.

Sirius turned his eyes at him. Remus seemed annoyingly calm. Sirius turned away.

“No,” he said.

But he did need something. He needed his old life back. He needed his friends back. He needed to be back in his own dormitory that smelled familiar and not… whatever it was that the omega dormitory smelled like. It seemed too nice and too soft, and Sirius was none of that.

“Padfoot?” Remus asked, and he was closer than he had been before.

Remus placed a hand onto Sirius’s shoulder, but Sirius shrugged it off and stepped away.

“I don’t need anything,” he said angrily, staring out the window.

Remus waited for a beat before saying, “Fine.”

Sirius listened to him go. Listened to the door close. He wished that Remus had slammed it shut instead of closing it softly.

He wished that someone would fight him.

Maybe that was what he needed: get into a fight. A proper fistfight, with an alpha. Someone bigger than him. Someone stronger than him.

Sirius turned towards the door, but then remembered that everyone in the common room was waiting for him to show up again. They were waiting, waiting, and the moment he let them see even a hint of him, they would tear him apart.

He felt as though he had unravelled, anyway. His scent was different. There was nothing of him left.

He swallowed heavily and walked over to the empty bed. His trunk had been placed at the foot of it. It was early afternoon, but he dug out his pyjamas and put them on. The soft fabric still smelled of his old self.

He climbed into bed and pulled the curtains shut, curling up into a ball amongst the sheets that smelled of nothing.

*

He woke up, but he didn’t know why. He blinked his eyes open. The bed curtains were heavy enough to keep most of the light outside, so he had no idea what time it was.

“Padfoot?” he heard Remus say, and he thought that it had probably been Remus’s voice that had woken him up in the first place. “Can I come in?”

Sirius wanted to petulantly keep quiet, but Remus was the only friend he had left; pushing him away would be stupid.

“Yes,” he mumbled against his pillow.

Remus opened the curtains and peeked inside before entering. The room was silent, so Evans and Macdonald must have still been away.

“Hi,” Remus said and sat down on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Sirius said before he could stop himself.

Remus gave him a wry smile.

“I gathered,” he said. “Will you come down for dinner?”

Sirius shook his head and hid his face in the pillow.

“I’ll bring you something to eat,” Remus said. “But you can’t keep hiding here for the rest of your life. We have classes tomorrow.”

“I know that,” Sirius said, and it was angrier than he had meant.

Remus sighed but said nothing. Sirius felt like he should apologise – after all, it wasn’t Remus’s fault that he had botched his potion and been found out – but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to open his mouth because he was afraid that what came out next would be worse, and then Remus would leave.

He listened to the silent room and discovered that it wasn’t as silent as he had first thought: he could hear raindrops drumming the windowpanes, he could hear the stairs creaking as someone walked past their door. He could hear Remus breathing.

Remus felt warm against his knee that was resting very close to where Remus was sitting. Remus had brought with him the familiar scent that Sirius had never been quite able to pinpoint. It was something fresh and clean, something calm and homely, and it always made him want to smile. He gave his pillow a small smile.

“Prongs and Wormtail miss you,” Remus said.

That was unexpected.

“Then why didn’t they visit me in the Hospital Wing?” Sirius snapped.

Remus shifted, and for a moment, Sirius feared that he was going to leave.

“They couldn’t,” Remus said slowly, as if talking to a very young child. “You were in the omega wing. They weren’t allowed.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, and his voice came out tiny.

“Look, Padfoot,” Remus said, and the tone of his voice sounded grave. “I understand that this is a big adjustment to you. I know that you need time. But you can’t keep acting like we’re no longer your friends.”

Sirius teared up. He bit his teeth together, hard, until his jaw ached. It didn’t stop the tears that wetted his pillowcase.

“You’re still Padfoot,” Remus said. “You’re still our friend. You’re still the same, even if some things are a bit different.”

Sirius couldn’t stop biting because if he did, he would let out the sob that was lodged in his throat.

“We still–” Remus said, cutting off his words. He shifted again. “I still care about you just as much as I did before. Nothing between us has changed.”

It was a lie because everything had changed, nothing was the same, but Sirius couldn’t tell Remus without revealing that he was crying. Remus placed a warm hand onto Sirius’s shoulder, and Sirius flinched but managed to keep his sobs at bay. His pillow was starting to get snotty because he couldn’t sniffle without drawing attention to himself.

“I’ll be quick,” Remus said. “I’ll be back with some food. And tomorrow we’ll go to lessons together. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Sirius didn’t believe a word of it, but he was very close to having to sniffle and he wished that Remus would leave.

Remus squeezed his shoulder once, then got up from the bed. Sirius already missed his presence.

“I’ll be right back,” Remus said.

Then he was gone. After Sirius heard the dormitory door shut, he brought up his face and gasped for air. It took him a long time to stop crying. It took him so long, that he had barely calmed down when Remus returned. Remus glanced at his face, then sat down and presented Sirius with dinner.

Neither of them said anything about Sirius’s puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

*

The next morning, Sirius felt just as horrible as he had anticipated. He skipped breakfast. Remus seemed to have predicted it: he went down extra early and then came back with food for Sirius, who was still hiding in his bed because Evans hadn’t left yet.

“You know,” Remus said when the door had closed behind Evans, “this is your room too. You can’t keep hiding in your bed.”

“I can if I want to,” Sirius said, but it was without heat. Then, he mumbled, “It doesn’t feel right.”

“Oh,” Remus said and cocked his head. “Well, it will never start feeling right unless you get used to it.”

“I don’t want to get used to it,” Sirius mumbled, looking down at his toast.

“Padfoot,” Remus said, and something in him sounded weary. “I’m trying very hard not to get offended by how much you don’t want to be an omega.”

Sirius turned his eyes to Remus, but Remus’s face was inscrutable.

“I don’t–” Sirius said, then wasn’t sure how he should continue.

Once it became obvious that Sirius wasn’t going to finish the thought, Remus asked, “You don’t what?”

Sirius bit his lip and looked down at his half-eaten toast again. He wasn’t very hungry.

“I don’t mean to offend you,” he muttered. “I just…”

He could feel Remus watching him.

“Why is it so difficult?” Remus asked.

“Because now everyone knows,” Sirius whispered.

“What?” Remus asked, starting to sound irritated. “What do they know? They know that you’re an omega?”

“How much my parents hated me.”

He wasn’t sure if Remus had heard, but he was glad that he had been whispering; had he been speaking out loud, Sirius was sure that his voice would have cracked.

Remus went very quiet and very still. Sirius didn’t want him to have heard. He didn’t want to know what Remus was going to say. He looked at his toast and considered throwing it at Remus to confuse him for long enough to escape.

Before Sirius could do anything stupid, Remus leaned in and pulled him into a tight hug. Sirius could hear the toast crushing between them, but Remus didn’t let go. For a moment, Sirius sat there frozen, then relaxed and leaned into the embrace. He dropped his head against Remus’s shoulder and allowed himself to be comforted.

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered, and his breath tickled Sirius’s ear.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. Remus was warm and firm and smelled secure, and Sirius wished he could spend the rest of the day in his arms.

He didn’t know how long they sat there, but when Remus pulled back, it seemed too soon.

“We need to go,” Remus said. “But thank you for telling me.”

Sirius looked up at him, eyes wide in surprise. Remus gave him a quick smile, then got up.

“I’ll pop into the toilet,” he said. “You better have gotten dressed by the time I come back.”

Sirius watched him stride over to the bathroom door and go in. He only turned his eyes away once the door closed, and then he slowly got dressed. When Remus came back, Sirius was wearing his robes and had the necessary books in his bag. Remus gave him a sunny smile, and it turned Sirius’s insides warm and gooey.

Once again, Sirius closely followed Remus as they made their way through the corridors. The whispers were louder than they had been before, and Sirius kept his head down, seeing only the hem of Remus’s robes and the stone floor.

“Go sit with James,” Remus said.

Sirius raised his head and realised that they had made it to the Transfiguration classroom. His eyes immediately found James who was expectantly watching them. He smiled when their eyes met, but Sirius suddenly felt something squirm in his belly.

“I don’t want to,” he whispered to Remus’s back.

Remus turned to glance at him, then shrugged and made his way towards James. Sirius followed.

“Where’s Wormtail?” Remus asked as he sat down behind James.

Sirius hesitated, but then sat down next to Remus. He could have sworn he saw a flash of hurt in James’s eyes before James turned them to Remus.

“He got distracted,” James said, propping his legs up on the free chair beside him. “He reckoned he had an amazing chance to approach that Hufflepuff, you know, the one with the freckles.”

Sirius snorted, then bit his lip and shrunk into himself when James turned his attention to him. Remus was unpacking his things, searching for something. Probably his quill, as it was the one thing missing from his desk.

“Well,” Remus said without looking up, “I hope he finally gets a definitive answer. Then he will either have a girlfriend or a good reason to move on.”

“Always so pragmatic,” James said with a laugh. “What about your boyfriend? Gotten over him yet?”

Remus glared at him, but Sirius was watching them from the corner of his eye, so he couldn’t tell what it said exactly. He could see James raising his hands in surrender, however.

“Yes,” Remus said tightly.

James was giving Remus _a look_ , although Sirius wasn’t sure what it meant.

“I happened to hear,” James said, voice lowered, “that you were seen with someone.”

Remus froze for only a fraction of a second, but Sirius was sure that James had caught it too. Sirius and James’s eyes met, and James raised his brows in question. Sirius wasn’t sure what the question was, and that was why he realised that he could no longer smell James.

He immediately leaned closer and took a good sniff, but there was nothing. James eyed him in alarm. Sirius slumped back in his chair and turned his eyes on Remus who was smiling softly. Sirius turned to face James again.

“I can’t smell you,” he said, thankful that he remembered to keep his voice down.

James raised his brows in surprise.

“You could smell him before?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded but didn’t move his eyes away from James. He suddenly feared that if he turned away, James would disappear completely.

“Huh,” came Remus’s response.

James turned to Remus.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

Remus was quiet for a moment. Then, he said, “I suppose the stuff Sirius was taking before was quite different from the stuff we’re usually given.”

That was enough to make Sirius turn his eyes on Remus, keeping James still in his peripheral vision.

“What?” he asked. “Are you… are you saying that this is supposed to happen? I’m… I’m not going to be able to smell… alphas?”

“Well, yes,” Remus said. “That’s what it’s supposed to do. We’re not supposed to smell the pheromones.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say, so he stared.

“I mean,” Remus said and squirmed, turning his eyes away from both Sirius and James, “isn’t that the stereotype? The unsatiable omega gets a whiff of alpha pheromones and tries to seduce the unsuspecting alpha.”

Sirius’s entire face was on fire, and it rapidly spread to his ears as well. He glanced at James, who seemed to be doing his hardest not to laugh. The bastard.

“I know it’s not true,” Remus said with a frown but wouldn’t face either of them. “We have much more self-control.”

“How do you know?” James asked teasingly and grinned when Remus gave him an exasperated glare. “You’ve been on Suppressing Potion all these years. Maybe you just need a good whiff of alpha pheromones to lose your self-control.”

“Prongs,” Remus sighed, giving James an unimpressed look.

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Peter crashed down onto the chair that had previously been occupied by James’s legs. James had barely managed to pull all his extremities to safety, and it distracted them all enough for the moment to pass.

It was good, Sirius thought to himself later. Otherwise, he might have ended up saying either something really embarrassing or something really stupid.

The whole day, Sirius followed Remus, except for when Sirius had Divination. Then, he followed James. He had gotten more comfortable with James again as the day had progressed as usual – apart from the whispers that followed Sirius, and the fact that Peter had, indeed, managed to get together with the freckled Hufflepuff. Peter’s luck in love meant that he made himself scarce between lessons, and Sirius wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He was happy for his friend, but he also felt like Peter’s presence might have helped him.

Peter had always been a reprieve for Sirius. He was a calm zone between James’s exuberant alpha and Remus’s enticing omega. Although, it didn’t matter any longer, did it? Sirius couldn’t smell the alphas, which meant that a lot of the time he felt as if the castle was all omegas and betas. When he was following James, he had to keep his head up higher so he could see him.

Never before had he needed to make sure that James was with him.

He had also never realised how much of his communication with James had relied on scent, and being unable to smell him made it difficult for Sirius to understand all of James’s gestures.

It all made him very uneasy.

At the end of Divination, while they were still supposed to be discussing their most recent dreams, James lowered his voice and said, “I want to talk to you.”

Sirius raised his brows at him.

“Are you saying,” he asked, “that we haven’t been talking all day?”

James gave him a look, and Sirius pursed his lips in protest.

“You know what I mean,” James said. “We should all talk.”

Sirius glanced at Peter, who was idly listening to them. He might have been dozing off. Sirius wasn’t sure.

“We should,” Peter said, right when Sirius leaned a bit closer to see whether his eyes were open at all.

Sirius jumped back so violently that their entire table rattled, drawing all attention to them. Sirius immediately turned his head down, shielding himself behind his hair.

“It’s very odd to see you hide,” James whispered.

Then he turned to Peter and started rattling off random symbols from a dream he had made up earlier. Sirius let their words turn into mere voices; they washed over him, and if he concentrated hard enough, he could just believe that everything was exactly as it always had been.

Then he got distracted by the fact that while he could hear James, he couldn’t smell him.

“Where should we go?” Peter asked as they made their way out of the classroom. “We need a place where we won’t be bothered.”

Sirius bit his lip but then came to a decision. He was done with secrets.

“I know a place,” he said. “Someone needs to get Remus, though.”

“I’ll do it,” James offered. “Where is this place of yours?”

“It’s on this floor,” Sirius said. “I’ll show you when you get back.”

James gave them a salute and ran off. Sirius and Peter strolled down the long corridor. Everyone else had left by then; Sirius had made sure to take his time with his books. There was no one else around, and it made Sirius feel that Peter really was his reprieve.

“Let’s wait here,” Sirius said, stopping them a bit of a distance from their destination in case someone happened to come by.

Peter was watching him. It made him feel uneasy, but he tried to push that feeling away. Time ticked by, however, and Peter remained quiet.

“What is it?” Sirius finally snapped. “Ask whatever it is you want to ask.”

Peter jerked back in surprise, and Sirius felt bad.

“I thought,” Peter said, “that I should wait until the others are here. So you don’t need to say the same things twice. I’m sure their questions are the same as mine.”

Sirius turned to him more fully. Peter wasn’t quite meeting his eyes but gave him a small smile.

“When did you become so thoughtful?” Sirius asked with a dry chuckle.

He blinked to keep himself from tearing up.

Something in the new potion he was taking must have been working poorly: he had never had such a hard time not to cry several times a day.

“How’s…” Sirius started to ask but then realised that he had forgotten the name of Peter’s girlfriend – again. “How’s the girlfriend?”

Peter snorted and shook his head.

“Her name’s Julie,” he said, but he was smiling. “She’s fine, thank you. I told her I had things to do so I wouldn’t be able to see her until later tonight.”

“Oh,” Sirius said.

He was surprised that Peter had apparently decided that no matter what, he was going to talk to Sirius after classes.

Of course, he, James, and Remus might have already talked during lunch. Sirius had skipped, and Remus had kindly enabled it by walking him to the dormitory and then returning early to bring him something to eat.

In any case, it was admirable of Peter to abandon his new girlfriend to have a chat with his friends.

“It’s weird without you,” Peter then said.

Sirius turned his attention to him again. “What is?”

“The dorm,” Peter said. “It feels empty when you’re not there.”

“Oh,” was all Sirius could say.

“They should have let you stay,” Peter continued. “You’ve already lived there for over six years. What does it matter if you live there for one more?”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He turned his head away and blinked in the hopes that the stinging in his eyes wouldn’t become tears.

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” Peter said. “You can’t smell us. We can smell you, but then, we always could. What does it matter?”

Sirius shrugged helplessly and simultaneously dreaded and hoped for the arrival of James and Remus; they would disrupt the emotional conversation Peter was having with Sirius, but then again, together they would all have what Sirius was expecting to be an emotional conversation.

“It’s stupid,” Peter said.

Sirius made a noise of agreement in his throat, but it came out as a squeak.

“The whole system is stupid,” Peter said. “Why are only omegas taking potions? Why are alphas allowed to sense pheromones but not omegas? If you were in some kind of a risk with us, it would have already been obvious, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe they think that I’ve been shagging you lot while staying there,” Sirius said, trying for light but uncertain if he managed.

Peter snorted, then took a moment to laugh. Even Sirius managed a more genuine smile.

“If only they knew, eh?” Peter said and – Sirius could hardly believe it – winked. “They put you into the same dorm with someone you would happily shag.”

It was Sirius’s turn to snort, and it was very inelegant, and it made him immediately feel more like himself. Then he realised what Peter had said, and his jaw fell. He gaped at Peter, who was now laughing at him.

“Y– You knew?” he asked, voice unnaturally high.

Peter laughed harder. “Of course I knew. You’re so bloody obvious.”

Sirius’s cheeks were hot. He turned away and saw James and Remus on the stairs. His face grew even hotter. Had they heard what Peter had said? Sirius glanced at Peter, horrified at the thought of Remus having heard. Peter laughed even harder.

When Sirius turned to James and Remus again, James was chuckling while appearing bemused, and Remus was smiling at Sirius.

“What did you do to him?” Remus asked when they got closer, laughter in his voice and his eyes, his entire face having lit up. “I can’t remember the last time Peter laughed this hard.”

“It was yesterday,” James said. “Remember, when McKinnon–”

“Yes, I remember,” Remus said and glowered at James.

Sirius felt as if Remus and James had developed their own language of looks while he had been away. They also seemed to have developed a new type of friction between them. Sirius wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

“So,” Remus then said and turned to Sirius again. “Where are we going?”

Sirius’s face was still on fire, so he merely turned and led them to the disappearing door. When the door appeared for him, he let out a sigh of relief; a part of him had been worried that the room might not want to show itself to more than one person at a time.

They clambered into the room that was still just as Sirius had left it a couple of weeks earlier: his cauldrons unwashed and research spread out onto the floor. He noticed an addition of a couple of comfortable-looking sofas and raised his brows at them. Peter had already settled down on one, and James was following him, viewing the room in awe. Remus, on the other hand, had focused on Sirius’s notes.

“Is this where you brewed,” Remus asked, “whatever it was that you had been taking?”

Sirius nodded when Remus glanced at him.

“May I?” Remus asked, gesturing at the pieces of parchment and assortment of books.

Sirius shrugged but then nodded again. Remus collected all the loose pieces of parchment and started going through them before heading to the sofas as well. Sirius followed.

“This is interesting,” Remus said.

“Of course, he will turn this into homework,” James quipped.

Remus smiled. “I mean, if you could figure out what went wrong, you could use this as a basis for a new Suppressing Potion.”

“There’s no need to invent a new one,” Sirius said.

Remus turned to look at him, and Sirius could feel James and Peter’s attention on him as well.

“I was trying to recreate the potion my parents gave me,” Sirius said. “It’s already been invented.”

“Oh,” Remus said and frowned at the wad of parchment. “I wonder why they’re not giving us that one.”

Sirius blinked and glanced at James and Peter. James’s expression was perplexed, but Peter seemed contemplative, bringing Sirius’s thoughts back to what they had talked about earlier.

“It’s because we’re omegas, isn’t it,” Sirius said as he turned back to Remus.

Remus seemed to have come to the same conclusion and was frowning at Sirius’s notes.

“It’s ridiculous,” he muttered loudly. “As if we’d drop our pants to every single alpha that even glances our way just because we can smell them.”

“Speaking of which,” James said, turning both Sirius and Remus’s attention to himself. “I heard you’ve been doing some of that pants-dropping again.”

“Again?” Sirius repeated.

Was James talking about the same incident he had mentioned in the morning? Sirius turned to look at Remus, who was staring at James with a small frown on his face. It was the frown that signified that Remus was very angry and one might want to proceed with caution. Sirius fondly remembered first seeing it in first year, also aimed at James, when James had tried to take the fault for the hex Remus had used.

“I’m only asking,” James said, a bit too indignantly, in Sirius’s opinion. “I thought you were still all sad about Benjy.”

“I was never _all sad_ about him,” Remus said. “Merely a bit annoyed that he wrote me a letter rather than tell me face to face.”

James watched Remus expectantly. Sirius couldn’t decide who to watch.

“And,” Remus then added, a bit more loudly, signifying that if James didn’t drop the subject, he was going to get hexed, “perhaps I was also quite a bit annoyed that he let it continue through the entire summer while knowing that he was going to break it off once I returned to Hogwarts. Could have spent my time with someone more deserving.”

“Maybe he didn’t know,” Peter said, then cowered when Remus turned his frown at him. “I just mean that maybe he hadn’t decided it. Maybe he thought he wanted to try long-distance.”

Remus growled and turned to Sirius’s notes again.

“He knew,” Remus said, and even James seemed to accept that the subject was closed.

It was quiet except for the rustle of parchment. James appeared pensive, Peter had turned his attention to Sirius, and Sirius wondered if he was about to ask questions.

Before Peter could, however, Remus spoke up.

“It just occurred to me,” he said, “that there must be a significant difference between the potion you were trying to recreate and the regular Suppressing Potion.”

“How come?” Peter asked, turning his attention to Remus.

Remus was frowning at the notes. Sirius wondered if he was about to find out exactly what he had done wrong.

“For one,” Remus said, glancing at Sirius, “I was never able to smell you until now, so your scent must have been altered by the potion somehow.”

“I didn’t know that,” Sirius said quietly.

Remus nodded, still eyeing Sirius’s research. “I’m sure there’s something else that makes it different too. I guess it would be more accurate to call it something different than a Suppressing Potion. The primary intention would be to make the drinker appear to be an alpha, wouldn’t it? So, it would need to have minor transfigurative effects.”

Sirius was nodding, wondering if this was something that would have helped him. It probably was. And he couldn’t help feeling silly now that he thought about it: obviously, his parents would be giving him something that made him seem like an alpha in every way that counted.

“I still think,” Remus said, “that you could create a new Suppressing Potion. Something less ridiculous than the current one.”

Sirius was still nodding, although he didn’t really have an opinion on the Suppressing Potion. He hadn’t been taking it long enough to understand exactly how different everything was.

“As fascinating as this is,” James said, “I think we should get to the point.”

Remus raised his brow at James but didn’t argue. He neatly stacked Sirius’s notes and placed them on the sofa next to himself.

“I thought,” Peter piped up, “that the potion was the point. Because that’s what put you in the Hospital Wing, isn’t it, Padfoot?”

All three of them turned to Sirius, who wished that he could sink into the sofa. He shrugged.

“How old were you when your parents started you on the potion?” Remus asked quietly.

Sirius couldn’t face any of them. He was intently staring at the grey stone floor as he said, “I can’t remember. I’ve always been taking it.”

“Don’t people usually start the Suppressing Potion at around ten years old?” James asked.

“I started at eleven,” Remus said. “I didn’t exactly need it before coming to Hogwarts.”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. “I don’t know what omegas usually do, do I? I wasn’t raised to be knowledgeable of omegas things.”

He chanced a glance at Remus, who gave him a small smile.

“So,” James said, “are we to understand that you only know about being an alpha?”

Sirius shrugged. “Probably not everything. It’s not like I could get an omega pregnant or something.”

Peter snorted, then waved his hand apologetically when James glared at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “The idea seemed funny, for some reason.”

Sirius chuckled.

“But what happened?” Peter then asked. “I mean, Remus told us you got wolfsbane poisoning, and we’ve gathered that you were taking a potion you brewed yourself, but how bad was it?”

James turned his worried attention on Sirius, and Sirius now understood why Remus found it so irritating.

“I don’t know,” Sirius shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly paying attention.”

“Madam Pomfrey had to flush your system,” Remus said. “That’s why you had to stay for a few days after you woke up.”

“Oh,” Sirius said.

It made sense now that he thought about it. James’s attention was already starting to feel like too much. Peter seemed thoughtful with a small frown on his face. Sirius didn’t dare turn to Remus.

“It was very bad,” Remus said quietly.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before opening them again. He couldn’t look at any of his friends, so he stared at a wall.

“Well,” Peter said, “I guess this explains all your disappearances.”

“Oh, that’s right,” James said. “Especially last year, you were gone a lot, and we couldn’t see you on the Map. We figured you were sneaking into Hogsmeade.”

Sirius shrugged. “Mostly, I was sitting here trying to figure out the potion.”

“Do you think it’s possible to add this room to the Map?” James asked.

No one said anything. Sirius waited. There must have been more questions his friends wanted to ask.

Just as Sirius had anticipated, James soon cleared his throat.

“So,” he said slowly. “How are you doing?”

Sirius glanced at him.

“I’ll survive,” he said.

He could feel James’s eyes on him.

“That doesn’t sound good,” James said.

“What can you do,” Sirius mumbled and shrugged.

“You know you can always talk to us, right?” Peter asked. “We’re still your friends. Nothing’s changed, except now you no longer sleep in the same room.”

Sirius turned to Peter. Peter’s attention was less intense than James’s. Once again, Peter was his reprieve.

And then, his eyes filled with tears and he blinked furiously, turning his head and surreptitiously rubbing his eyes, hoping that the others were considerate enough not to mention it.

They were.

After Sirius had calmed down, James turned to him with an exaggeratedly grave expression.

“Padfoot,” he said solemnly. “I have an important question to ask you.”

“O-okay,” Sirius said hesitantly.

“Padfoot,” James said gravely. “What is the omega dormitory like? Does Evans walk around in very little clothing?”

Sirius blinked. It took his brain a moment to process the words. Then, he burst into laughter.

Remus shook his head but looked amused. Peter was chuckling. James was still staring at Sirius, all sombre, but was clearly struggling to contain his laughter.

After that, their conversation took a lighter turn, and for the first time in the few days it had been since he had passed out, Sirius felt completely normal.

*

Once Peter couldn’t stop yawning any longer, the four of them decided to head to bed. Sirius followed Remus into their dormitory, averting his eyes when he saw Evans sitting on her bed, fully clothed. Sirius wondered if he would always feel like an intruder in the dormitory.

Right as Sirius turned his head, the door to the bathroom opened and Macdonald walked in, wearing her pyjamas. Sirius swiftly turned his eyes towards his own bed, strode over to it, and disappeared behind the curtains.

“What’s his problem?” he heard Evans ask.

“Give him some time,” Remus said. After a while, he added, “He doesn’t mean anything bad by it. It must feel odd being in an omega dormitory after all these years.”

“I know that,” Evans said quietly and sighed. “I’m just not in a very good mood.”

“Oh?” Macdonald joined the conversation.

Sirius frowned and cast a silencing charm.

It didn’t feel right listening to their conversation. The three of them were friends. Sirius didn’t belong with them. Evans would never have told him anything about her moods.

He lay down and wondered if he would ever feel right. Would he ever feel like he was where he belonged?

His curtains shifted, and soon, Remus peeked in.

“Hi,” he said. “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“’m fine,” Sirius replied in a monotonous voice, staring up at the canopy of his bed.

“Can I come in?” Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged. Remus took it as permission and climbed into bed with him.

The bed wasn’t small, but it still wasn’t meant for two people, which became very obvious when Remus’s thigh pressed against Sirius’s shoulder. Suddenly, Sirius was happy that he was in such emotional turmoil; he didn’t exactly want his body to react to Remus’s proximity in visible ways. Not that Remus could have seen – it was dark enough not to see details – but he would have been able to smell it, which was even worse, now that Sirius thought about it.

There was a thought that had been poking at his conscious, and he finally realised what Remus had told him; Remus had said that he had never been able to smell Sirius before Sirius was forced off his usual potion. That meant that Remus had never been able to tell how smitten Sirius was because of his scent, which in turn meant that Remus must have figured it out from the way Sirius had been acting, which, of course, meant that Sirius must have been very obvious about his attraction.

He felt even worse about turning Remus down now that he realised that Remus must have thought he had read Sirius’s body language wrong. How much confusion had he caused Remus?

His eyes were tearing up again, and he rubbed them with his fists in frustration.

“Why do I keep crying?” he asked. “It’s stupid. I’ve never been a crier.”

Remus considered it for a moment before saying, “I guess your body’s getting used to the new hormones.”

“What new hormones?” Sirius asked with a frown.

“I’m assuming, of course,” Remus said, “but the potion your parents were giving you was probably messing with your natural hormone levels. And now that you’re off that potion, your body is finally producing the hormones it’s meant to produce. When I hit puberty, I was often tearing up.”

Sirius breathed out a long sigh. What Remus was saying was that Sirius’s body was currently going through puberty, wasn’t he?

“My emotional state in second year was a complete joke,” Remus continued. “Everything made me want to cry. It’s what your body’s supposed to do. You’ll get used to it.”

“Used to what?” Sirius asked, suddenly terrified. “Will I always be this delicate? Forever?”

“No,” Remus said and chuckled, and Sirius imagined his smile that was always attractively crooked. “I mean that your body gets used to the new hormones and calms down. After that, you’ll likely feel like your old self again.”

“I hope so,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus sighed and shifted, then lay down next to Sirius. They were lying shoulder to shoulder, their arms pressed together, and Sirius’s heart was leaping – in joy or in terror, he wasn’t quite certain.

“Hey,” Sirius whispered. “Why does Prongs keep pestering you about… about sleeping with people?”

Remus snorted. “He’s worried. He thinks I’m trying to mend my broken heart with reckless sex.”

“Are you?” Sirius asked, then bit his lip. He didn’t want to seem as though he was judging.

“Nope,” came Remus’s immediate answer. “Benjy did a shitty thing but it’s not like he was… I mean, he was okay. I liked him. But I wasn’t really expecting it to last. I don’t think I wanted it to last. So, I was upset, but I wouldn’t say that he broke my heart.”

“Oh,” was all Sirius knew to say to that. “But doesn’t it bother you? What Prongs is doing?”

“Not really,” Remus said. “It used to, but then I realised he just worries a lot. Yes, it’s a tad annoying that he’s showing it in that patronising manner – you know, the valiant alpha protecting an omega’s virtue, but. He doesn’t mean it like that. We talked about it. He’s just not always very self-aware.”

Sirius snorted. “You can say that again.”

Remus chuckled.

They fell quiet for a moment. Sirius liked feeling Remus next to himself; Remus’s body was warm and his breathing was calm and even.

“Prongs made it sound like,” Sirius said quietly, “like you’ve been sleeping around a lot this year? Is that even true?”

He felt Remus shrug before Remus said, “I guess. I’m not sure how he keeps finding out, though. And, I mean, it depends on what you consider a lot. I don’t think I’ve been irresponsible about it, but Prongs seems to think otherwise.”

“It’s none of his business, even,” Sirius pointed out.

“It isn’t,” Remus agreed. “But he told me that he knows how much I worry about my reputation as an omega, and he, in turn, worries that I’m going to end up doing something that will hurt me. Because, you know, my broken heart and all that. He’ll drop it eventually.”

“You should tell him to mind his own business,” Sirius said, although, privately, he agreed with James’s sentiment; it didn’t sound like Remus to sleep around.

“I know,” Remus said. “It’s kind of sweet. It doesn’t bother me for as long as he doesn’t try to stop me from doing what I want.”

“Isn’t he sort of doing that, though?”

“Maybe,” Remus said. “I’ve chosen not to see it that way. You know what he’s like. He’ll be all intense about something for a while, but then moves on to something else.”

“Unless we’re talking about Evans,” was all Sirius could think to say.

Remus gave a sharp laugh, then went quiet.

Sirius couldn’t help wondering if James was going to start acting differently with him now that he was an omega. Now that James knew he was an omega. He had always been an omega.

He decided that if James started poking his nose into Sirius’s relationships, he was going to punch James in the nose and not feel guilty about it.

He and Remus lay together quietly. Remus shifted a bit, searching for a comfortable position. Sirius wondered if there was something Remus wanted to talk about. Otherwise, he would have left by now, wouldn’t he?

But Remus remained silent.

Sirius wondered if Remus meant it when he said his heart wasn’t broken. Didn’t it always hurt to be turned down? In shame, Sirius reminded himself that he had been turning Remus down as well.

“Hey, Moony,” he asked. “What happened with Benjy?”

Remus was quiet. He remained quiet for such a long time that Sirius thought that he had either fallen asleep or decided not to answer.

Then, Remus sighed and said, “He found out.”

“About what?” Sirius asked, puzzled.

Remus took a moment before saying, “About my furry little problem.”

Sirius sat up and turned to watch Remus in the dark.

“What?” he asked. “How did he find out?”

“He figured it out,” Remus said. It sounded like he shrugged. “He noticed the pattern. But he didn’t say anything. He kept shagging me through the school year and all through summer because he wanted to get some and I was convenient. His letter didn’t leave anything unclear. No, indeed, he was very clear about what he thinks about me and my… condition.”

“What a wanker,” Sirius spat out. “What an absolute wanker.”

It sounded like Remus shrugged again, but he might have merely tried to get more comfortable.

“When did he find out?” Sirius asked. “How long did he know?”

“He said he figured it out after the Full in January,” Remus said.

“Fucking wanker,” Sirius said.

It went quiet for a moment, then Remus whispered, “I’m such an idiot.”

Sirius lay down again and turned on his side, wishing that he could see Remus more clearly. Remus’s scent was different than usual. He smelled almost salty.

“What? Why?” Sirius asked. “You’re not an idiot at all.

He could just see Remus raise his hand and rub his face. There was a sniffle, and Sirius realised that Remus was crying.

“I keep pretending that I can have a relationship,” Remus said, his voice wobbly. “I know it’s hopeless.”

“It’s not hopeless,” Sirius said. “Look at us. You found three friends who don’t care about it.”

“But it’s different,” Remus said. “You don’t want to look at me naked. You don’t need to see the proof of what I am during a moment of passion. Of course that will bring the mood down. Who wants to touch a monster?”

Sirius waited for his common sense to kick in, but when it didn’t, he said, very, very quietly, “I do.”

Remus stiffened beside him, and once again Sirius wished that he could see him. He needed to know whether he had just destroyed one of his best friendships.

“I do,” he repeated instead. “I want to see you. I want to touch you. And you’re not a monster.”

Remus remained quiet.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Remus asked. “Why are you sorry?”

“I know I’m an omega,” Sirius said. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Padfoot,” Remus said. “Sirius. Do you not remember what I told you back in the Hospital Wing?”

“Huh?”

Remus chuckled nervously. “I told you that I wouldn’t have minded that you’re an omega.”

“Oh,” Sirius breathed out, still unsure what it was that Remus was trying to say.

“And,” Remus continued, “I still don’t mind.”

Sirius was having a hard time following. He could have sworn that Remus was telling him that they could be together, but that couldn’t be right.

“But,” Sirius finally said, “two omegas can’t…”

“Why not?” Remus asked and laughed. “Of course two omegas can be together.”

“Oh,” was all Sirius could get out.

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Remus said.

Sirius considered this for a moment. Then, very quietly, he said, “But you like alphas.”

Remus laughed. “I don’t have a preference.”

 _Is that allowed_? was, stupidly, the first thing that popped into Sirius’s head. Instead of blurting it out, however, he worried his lip.

“My first time was with an omega,” Remus said.

“Really?” Sirius asked, too loudly, but Remus only laughed.

“Really,” Remus said. “Remember Caradoc Dearborn?”

“With him?” Sirius asked. “But… You never said anything.”

“Hmm,” Remus hummed and took a moment to think. Then he said, “It was my first time, and somehow it felt… sacred. I didn’t want to talk about it because it was so meaningful to me, you know? I wanted to keep it to myself and cherish it. I guess I was ready to tell you now.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. Remus was a liar. (And how many other things had he lied about over the years if he could so easily lie about his broken heart and about how annoyed he was with James?) But Sirius had also discovered that two omegas could be together and that Remus had _been_ with an omega.

And Remus had implied that he was interested in Sirius.

Remus rolled onto his side. Sirius could barely make out the contours of his face. Remus shifted, and soon his hand found Sirius’s, taking a hold of it. Remus’s hand was gentle and warm. Sirius’s heart was beating too hard.

“I know it’s not a good idea right now,” Remus said quietly, “what with you having all these new things to get used to and… and me with my… my stuff. But maybe, once things calm down some, and once you feel more comfortable… maybe we could go out?”

“On a date?” Sirius whispered in awe.

Remus nodded. “Let’s see about it after Christmas, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed.

Remus squeezed his hand before letting it go. He raised his upper body, leaning onto his elbow.

“It’s getting late,” he said. “I should go to my own bed.”

Sirius could only nod.

“We’ll talk again tomorrow,” Remus said.

Then, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss onto Sirius’s cheek. Sirius’s heart was somersaulting in his chest.

“It will get easier, Padfoot,” Remus said, his voice as soft as his lips. “You just need to give it time.”

Then he got up, and with a flutter of the curtains, he was gone.

Sirius couldn’t help wondering if Remus had been talking to the both of them rather than Sirius alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It never came up, but Sirius's Experimental Potion No. 7 was very close to what he wanted it to be. Coincidentally, when he was testing that particular potion, the regular Suppressing Potion was starting to have more of an effect on him, making him not smell alphas as clearly, which he perceived to be a side effect of his experiment.
> 
> I have 236 words of the third chapter written, so no idea when that will be done. Hopefully before next month, because next month I'm doing camp nano and writing original stuff, although, knowing myself, I'll be working on fics too because I have no self-control when it comes to writing fics.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html) \- [other social media](https://mean-whale.carrd.co)


End file.
